The Greatest Things

Sometimes, you can look at something you know very well, or at least think you know, and perceive it as something incredibly new and different. Take for instance a painting. I hated the Mona Lisa. I thought it was incredibly stupid and over-publicized. I went to France and actually saw it and realized there was something special about it. Something it's impossible to really capture in the millions of reproductions that have sprung up across the globe. And it's sad, really, that of the most important things that makes it so beautiful is the one of the many things a reproduction could never give to its viewers. And about another painting. Another over-publicized painting. One that I used to love. I used to love Van Gogh's Starry Night. But upon closer inspection, I see nothing incredibly special or notable about it. It capures absolutely none of the small subtle brushwork many of his other paintings have, and that mysterious dark shape that I always viewed as a dark faraway spire in the middle of the town came into sight as a nearby shrub. And that was one of the most disappointing things I've ever noticed about a painting, really. Why is it famous? Is it because we never really stop to look at things? This is by no means the fault of the artist, but why give recognition to one of the lesser pieces of his work? I don't understand and I don't find that I can. In attempting to capture scenes of the night, this is one of Van Gogh's few and greatest failures. Everything is clear. Everything is overemphasized. You can clearly see the houses and the village below and the only thing even somewhat remarklable is the way the moon falls on the village. The mystery and subtlety of the night are gone and upon looking at the painting again, I have to say, about a painting, I've never felt emptier.

Happiness?

I wonder what will make me happy. I'm currently content right now, but I mean like, lifelong happiness. Will I be happy once I'm independent? Or what about when I finally (will I ever? :) lose enough weight that I'm alright with my body? Do I need to start wearing makeup to improve my appearance? Would my appearance make me happy, really? Do I...Hmm. What if I started spending less time on the internet and more time on my schoolwork? I'm pretty sure if I felt smart, I'd feel a bit more happy. What else is there...Maybe a boyfriend...? (HAHAHAWHOWOULDDATEMEEVARAHAHAHHALOLOLOL)
...Um. Well. What if--I used to like myself. ...I think. What if I took up activities that I once loved? I think I should start reading more. And I need to be more honest with people. I need to admit I have no viewpoints on some things and and that there are some things I don't do and some things I don't know/ know about. I think that'll make me happier, even if I do come off as somewhat simple. It might even be a combination of all the things I've listed if it isn't all of them. So what are the main things then, hmm? I think maybe being more responsible is a big one, striving to know instead of "knowing", improving my social skills/status, improving my appearance, and being honest. I think part of it's also that I need to make others happy, I suppose, without turning into a doormat. I jump from extreme to extreme on that. Well, this was helpful, really. I wonder if I have the initiative to do all of these.

Something I've Noticed

Well, I think I'm growing. Not in a literal sense. (...wellmaybeIhadsomechocolateandyesIamnowpregnantwithcocoa)
Silliness aside...Well, I've stopped judging people as much. I used to think really, that I cared so much more about things than everyone else. And a part of me still thinks that. I want to grow, and I want to become someone that people like, and I want to have a lot of friends, and I thought I was just one of those people that no one liked because I wasn't interested in what "the popular crowd" was into and everyone had to be a part of the popular crowd or we didn't conform and then society crashed into this huge asteroid in space and everyone died. But then I realized that the concrete idol of "them" and me, or "them" and "us", rather, because I have a group of friends, was not as solid as I imagined. I realized, that while there is a certain...truth to that, albeit a small one, that there's a lot more that connects everyone. And since I realize that now, I'm less afraid, I suppose, of talking to/getting to know new people. And I think I'm nicer for it as a person, because I think I gave off the vibe of judgement or something. I think that's why people didn't like me. And people still don't like, love me or anything, but I've realized people don't hate me. I still tend to be a tad judgemental, but I've gotten better. I think I realized it when this girl I judged to be this preppy little lump of nonsense and fluff was talking to me in the art room about how she loved French. She wasn't in French, but she went during her off period to the middle school French teacher and learned what she could. I was stunned. She had left the box I had put her in. I love French. I LOVE it. And this girl, this "stupid" girl, the exact inverse of me, loved it too. And gave up her free time for it almost every day. She was still in Spanish. So she was not only equal to me in her love for it, she was doing MORE. She was taking TWO languages, pretty much. I think that cured some of my being judgemental. I'm less judgmental now, and I don't think people don't DISlike me like I think they used to. I want to get to know people; I want to be remembered. I want to do things and I want people to know who I am and what I think about life and what I love and who I care about. I want people to look at me and see someone they feel they can like, relate to. I'm tired of being an isolated nobody. I'm tired of shying away from "them". I want to talk to people and become an actual living breathing person, but to do that, I have to de-shell myself in a way. I hope I can do that before the end of this year. I really do.

Edit: I'm in the school play! Hooray for doing things you'd never actually do because it just wasn't something you'd DO. :D

About Posting

Well, I think I'm going to begin posting more often. Maybe once a week? Maybe twice? I know I don't update as often as I should. I guess every Friday and Wednesday should do it.

Christmas Gifts!

Wahndafahl.

Well, I suppose I could chronicle what I got for Christmas as a way to amuse myself this bright December day.

1.) En Tete a Tete by Mathieu Chedid (CD)
2.) The Rise and Fall of Ruby Woo by The Puppini Sisters (CD)
3.) White Album by The Beatles (CD)
4.) Pajama Sam: No Need to Hide When It's Dark Outside (Wii Game)
5.) A red Zune
6.) A Barnes and Noble giftcard
7.) The Poison Diaries (Book)
8.) A video camera (Very awesome.)

So, I got a lot of little things and two very nice big things, but I love them all a ton. :D
I can't wait to listen to my CDs. :)

Oh, I forgot.
Stocking Contents: Chocolate, a Grow Your Own Unicorn, strange other candies, and a toothbrush. :D

HAII

Well, since I've been gone, I've gone to Europe and Chicago and Peru, lost two retainers, one at a Chinese restaurant and one at our house in Corpus, I've taken the PSAT, gotten in the 95th percentile, which isn't that bad, if I do say so myself, I've failed my French oral exam, raised my English average 13 points, raised my math average 34 points, and am still doing relatively badly in those classes. :D I have a math test tomorrow, a history test the day after that, have a paper due tomorrow, and need to finish a painting for a contest later this week. (I should get the forms for that.) But, on the side. Today was generally okay. Nervewracking? Nerve racking? Whatever. I think it's the first one. The weather was pretty nice. It was cloudy and awfully windy and there was just the right amount of humidity. It was like being underwater. In a large tank. I need to start reading more. I've just stopped and I don't know why. Whatever. I need to work on that essay so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow. Bye!
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My, I DO use short sentences. I blame YIM. :) Well, I didn't actually fail my French oral exam, Bernardin was actually very sweet and gave me a 95 because I went first/get nervous VERY easily/"didn't make any mistakes except for hesitating". :) Muahahaha.