The Rainy Raincloud

Growth

2009-07-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Well, at first thought this summer didn't seem very fruitful. A few days ago I felt as if I'd wasted a precious month of my life and I wondered how many months we even get on this earth. And then about yesterday evening I realized I didn't really waste any of the time I've spent so far this summer. I've been recuperating in several ways. I'm happier; I have an increased sense of confidence; the fluidity of my speech and writing are returning after a simply dreadful year of mentally dehabilitating english class...I feel as if I'm growing inside. The sun's on my face and all I can do is spread my green tendrils higher.

Tiramisu and Other Culinary Misadventures

2009-05-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

So my parents went away for the weekend to the coast, right? I figured I'd attempt cooking something yesterday night, because honestly, I was tired of Spaghettios and sandwiches and I was also tired of attempting (and failing) to study. So first I made tiramisu. I was very excited about it because I adore tiramisu and everything, so naturally, I made it very quickly and...well, I rushed, and in my haste to get it in the fridge for chilling, I forgot to add the coffee to the lady fingers. I had added rum, but that really wasn't enough for them to get nice and soggy, so, anyway, I let the thing chill in the fridge, completely unaware of the fact that I hadn't added coffee, and two hours later, as I bit into a piece, I realized I had probably used too much rum. Because I choked. Because it burned my throat. So that didn't go too well, but the cream part tasted good so I didn't toss it and I figured if I really wanted a piece later I could make some coffee, chill it, put it at the bottom of a bowl and let the ladyfingers soak it up before I ate it.

Next mishap!
I can't cook rice, apparently, not even with a rice cooker. For some reason I thought the rice to water ratio was 1:1, but it's actually 1:2, so the rice turned out only partially cooked, slightly burned, and kind of dry. ...Whoops. :)

Upbeat and in the Sky

2009-04-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

You know what?
I recently realized that generally, I'm a pretty happy person.
And I didn't used to be anywhere near that, either; at one point, I was suicidal and ready to end everything because I found that I had no goals and nothing at all I was interested in and therefore no real reason to live and waste the time and resources of those around me. I would've dug deeper with that box cutter had I had the courage and no one at all would've known until morning, when it was too late for anyone to convince me otherwise.

And I can reflect upon all this now, a positive human being, incredibly hopeful for the future. In two short years, I've grown as a person by leaps and bounds, really at a rate I have trouble believing. Freshman year, I was an incredibly childish, terribly lonely and unhappy little girl. Sophomore year, I was still incredibly childish and still moderately unhappy, but I had friends that loved me and that I loved back dearly. Junior year, now, I am STILL incredibly childish (but working on it ;) ), happy, for the most part, and I have friends that I absolutely could never part from and I am still continuing to make more friends as my social skills evolve and I learn more how to relate to people. I can't wait until next year, really. I can't wait for the rest of my life.

The End of the World

2009-04-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

No, not the album by The Real Tuesday Weld. (But I AM listening to it as I write this. :) )
I'm talking about December 21, 2012.

After hearing a friend mention the date, I remembered a history class discussion from nearly four years ago where we talked about the Mayan prediction of the end of the world, set on our calendar's equivalent of December 21st 2012. The thing that made it most frightening was not that it would occur during our lifetimes, it was that the Mayans were seldom wrong in their celestial predictions. Will the world really end in a flurry of volcanic, oceanic, astral tumult and end human, plant and animal life as we know it?

...I don't think so.

And even if it does, Nicolas Cage will save the race by allowing his son to leave with the angel aliens!

(Good GOD. Knowing was slightly disturbing.)

Oh, and survivalists? That was the day predicted for the beginning of the new Mayan calendar. No disastrous end was foretold. And one more thing before I finish this blog up...Um, if it really were the end of the world, or at least the date on which natural disasters would destroy most of the livable space and pretty much all the people on this earth, wouldn't you kind of want to die? Just a thought...;)

Thing I Have Realized #2

2009-02-19T22:23:00.001-08:00

Nothing is large in any way. Everything is comprised of smaller units and you can tackle a large thing by getting through it in small increments or by destroying smaller factions.

Thing I Have Realized #1

2009-02-19T22:22:00.001-08:00

Everything is flawed to some degree, so don't feel bad about not being perfect. Perfection does not and never has existed.

Insomnia and Edith Edith Edith

2009-02-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

I can't stop listening to Edith Piaf songs. Je les aime beauCOUUUP.

Anyway. I'm reading about the effects of Ambien at the moment and finding the results of my search HILARIOUS. Here: http://www.boingboing.net/2009/02/18/emailing-while-aslee.html

I've sleepwalked three times in my life. The first time happened when I was maybe like...I dunno, 10? I was asleep in my mom's bed and I was fully aware of my actions but unable to control any of them, and as I watched myself in a sort of calm euphoria, my arm knocked everything off the nightstand, books, glass of water, papers, lamp, and I realized I was sleepwalking. Odd, right?

The other two times occurred last year and the year before that. One of those times, I woke up, took a seat in the bathtub completely clothed, and turned on the spigot. I left it on for a few minutes before curling up in the wet and falling back asleep. The second and more recent of these sleepwalking episodes occurred at about four AM on a Thursday night as I climbed out of bed, took off my shirt, put it in the hamper, put on a dirty shirt, emptied my hamper, and clambered inside. I woke up unable to feel my feet or arms. It was kind of awful.

I also have sleepover incidents. Apparently, I will wake (or I used to wake) in the middle of the night, sit up in my sleeping bag, look around with really wide eyes, open my mouth as if to speak and then lie back down and go to sleep. I've also been told I talk and sing and hum in my sleep. I wonder what I say?

The Greatest Things

2008-12-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you can look at something you know very well, or at least think you know, and perceive it as something incredibly new and different. Take for instance a painting. I hated the Mona Lisa. I thought it was incredibly stupid and over-publicized. I went to France and actually saw it and realized there was something special about it. Something it's impossible to really capture in the millions of reproductions that have sprung up across the globe. And it's sad, really, that of the most important things that makes it so beautiful is the one of the many things a reproduction could never give to its viewers. And about another painting. Another over-publicized painting. One that I used to love. I used to love Van Gogh's Starry Night. But upon closer inspection, I see nothing incredibly special or notable about it. It capures absolutely none of the small subtle brushwork many of his other paintings have, and that mysterious dark shape that I always viewed as a dark faraway spire in the middle of the town came into sight as a nearby shrub. And that was one of the most disappointing things I've ever noticed about a painting, really. Why is it famous? Is it because we never really stop to look at things? This is by no means the fault of the artist, but why give recognition to one of the lesser pieces of his work? I don't understand and I don't find that I can. In attempting to capture scenes of the night, this is one of Van Gogh's few and greatest failures. Everything is clear. Everything is overemphasized. You can clearly see the houses and the village below and the only thing even somewhat remarklable is the way the moon falls on the village. The mystery and subtlety of the night are gone and upon looking at the painting again, I have to say, about a painting, I've never felt emptier.

Happiness?

2008-12-26T12:54:00.001-08:00

I wonder what will make me happy. I'm currently content right now, but I mean like, lifelong happiness. Will I be happy once I'm independent? Or what about when I finally (will I ever? :) lose enough weight that I'm alright with my body? Do I need to start wearing makeup to improve my appearance? Would my appearance make me happy, really? Do I...Hmm. What if I started spending less time on the internet and more time on my schoolwork? I'm pretty sure if I felt smart, I'd feel a bit more happy. What else is there...Maybe a boyfriend...? (HAHAHAWHOWOULDDATEMEEVARAHAHAHHALOLOLOL)
...Um. Well. What if--I used to like myself. ...I think. What if I took up activities that I once loved? I think I should start reading more. And I need to be more honest with people. I need to admit I have no viewpoints on some things and and that there are some things I don't do and some things I don't know/ know about. I think that'll make me happier, even if I do come off as somewhat simple. It might even be a combination of all the things I've listed if it isn't all of them. So what are the main things then, hmm? I think maybe being more responsible is a big one, striving to know instead of "knowing", improving my social skills/status, improving my appearance, and being honest. I think part of it's also that I need to make others happy, I suppose, without turning into a doormat. I jump from extreme to extreme on that. Well, this was helpful, really. I wonder if I have the initiative to do all of these.

Something I've Noticed

2008-12-25T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I'm growing. Not in a literal sense. (...wellmaybeIhadsomechocolateandyesIamnowpregnantwithcocoa)
Silliness aside...Well, I've stopped judging people as much. I used to think really, that I cared so much more about things than everyone else. And a part of me still thinks that. I want to grow, and I want to become someone that people like, and I want to have a lot of friends, and I thought I was just one of those people that no one liked because I wasn't interested in what "the popular crowd" was into and everyone had to be a part of the popular crowd or we didn't conform and then society crashed into this huge asteroid in space and everyone died. But then I realized that the concrete idol of "them" and me, or "them" and "us", rather, because I have a group of friends, was not as solid as I imagined. I realized, that while there is a certain...truth to that, albeit a small one, that there's a lot more that connects everyone. And since I realize that now, I'm less afraid, I suppose, of talking to/getting to know new people. And I think I'm nicer for it as a person, because I think I gave off the vibe of judgement or something. I think that's why people didn't like me. And people still don't like, love me or anything, but I've realized people don't hate me. I still tend to be a tad judgemental, but I've gotten better. I think I realized it when this girl I judged to be this preppy little lump of nonsense and fluff was talking to me in the art room about how she loved French. She wasn't in French, but she went during her off period to the middle school French teacher and learned what she could. I was stunned. She had left the box I had put her in. I love French. I LOVE it. And this girl, this "stupid" girl, the exact inverse of me, loved it too. And gave up her free time for it almost every day. She was still in Spanish. So she was not only equal to me in her love for it, she was doing MORE. She was taking TWO languages, pretty much. I think that cured some of my being judgemental. I'm less judgmental now, and I don't think people don't DISlike me like I think they used to. I want to get to know people; I want to be remembered. I want to do things and I want people to know who I am and what I think about life and what I love and who I care about. I want people to look at me and see someone they feel they can like, relate to. I'm tired of being an isolated nobody. I'm tired of shying away from "them". I want to talk to people and become an actual living breathing person, but to do that, I have to de-shell myself in a way. I hope I can do that before the end of this year. I really do.

Edit: I'm in the school play! Hooray for doing things you'd never actually do because it just wasn't something you'd DO. :D

About Posting

2008-12-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I think I'm going to begin posting more often. Maybe once a week? Maybe twice? I know I don't update as often as I should. I guess every Friday and Wednesday should do it.

Christmas Gifts!

2008-12-25T10:36:00.000-08:00

Wahndafahl.

Well, I suppose I could chronicle what I got for Christmas as a way to amuse myself this bright December day.

1.) En Tete a Tete by Mathieu Chedid (CD)
2.) The Rise and Fall of Ruby Woo by The Puppini Sisters (CD)
3.) White Album by The Beatles (CD)
4.) Pajama Sam: No Need to Hide When It's Dark Outside (Wii Game)
5.) A red Zune
6.) A Barnes and Noble giftcard
7.) The Poison Diaries (Book)
8.) A video camera (Very awesome.)

So, I got a lot of little things and two very nice big things, but I love them all a ton. :D
I can't wait to listen to my CDs. :)

Oh, I forgot.
Stocking Contents: Chocolate, a Grow Your Own Unicorn, strange other candies, and a toothbrush. :D

HAII

2008-12-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

Well, since I've been gone, I've gone to Europe and Chicago and Peru, lost two retainers, one at a Chinese restaurant and one at our house in Corpus, I've taken the PSAT, gotten in the 95th percentile, which isn't that bad, if I do say so myself, I've failed my French oral exam, raised my English average 13 points, raised my math average 34 points, and am still doing relatively badly in those classes. :D I have a math test tomorrow, a history test the day after that, have a paper due tomorrow, and need to finish a painting for a contest later this week. (I should get the forms for that.) But, on the side. Today was generally okay. Nervewracking? Nerve racking? Whatever. I think it's the first one. The weather was pretty nice. It was cloudy and awfully windy and there was just the right amount of humidity. It was like being underwater. In a large tank. I need to start reading more. I've just stopped and I don't know why. Whatever. I need to work on that essay so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow. Bye!
--------------------------------------------------
My, I DO use short sentences. I blame YIM. :) Well, I didn't actually fail my French oral exam, Bernardin was actually very sweet and gave me a 95 because I went first/get nervous VERY easily/"didn't make any mistakes except for hesitating". :) Muahahaha.

The Real Tuesday Weld

2008-05-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

It is love.
A sublime occurrence in the fields of music, poetry, and art.
I wish I were a part of it. :(

About the poll!

2008-04-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

About the poll, umm...I wrote the question out using proper capitalization and for some reason, I can't get it to be seen with it. It's all n00bing out. So, please excuse the lack of capitalization.

Oh, and it's Christmas money because I gave the check to my mom and she hasn't given it to me but it's cashed and I haven't used a cent of it.

IT'S THE PLAAAAAAAAAAAAGUE! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES!

2008-04-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well. I recently went to a fine arts festival in Kansas, and I came back perfectly fine, even though the weather was a total bitch. ...Or so I thought. Yesterday, which was a Monday, I came home after three class periods because trail mix attacked my stomach. And later that day, I developed a large amount of...snot. Yes, snot. And my throat hurts. And I'm coughing. And sneezing. And while I enjoy sneezing, I usually don't have SLIME ROCKETING OUT OF MY NOSTRILS!
Let's see...New news? My little sister had her first communion last Sunday and because of it I missed a friend's birthday party and I feel bad for not going but my little sister's a bit more important than a party.
OOH! SEAN'S A CHRISTMAS TREE!

Holy FISH! Outta Mans!

2008-03-23T21:00:00.001-07:00

Well, in a previous post, I set these goals for myself to accomplish over Spring Break.

1.) Work on my English Poetry Evaluation...Thing.
2.) Finish Painting Ainslee's Shoes.
3.) Finish my Paper Mache hand.
4.) Finish up all the Driver's Ed crap I never did.
5.) Fix the PS2/Gamecube/Game Cabinet.
6.) Read at least three books.
7.)Work on developing a language and begin recording words on paper.
8.) SLEEP.

Out of these eight, I accompliiiiished...

2.55 of them. :

I got a ton farther with Ainslee's shoes, started working on Driver's Ed crap and didn't get far, I fixed the game cabinet, and slept. :

So.

Shoes = +.5
Driver's Ed crap = +.05
Cabinet = +1
Sleep = +1

FAIL.

You Know What?

2008-03-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

You know what? Lists are FUN.

Churra! Shurrha! Sharretugt!

2008-03-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

I think I should write my own language. It'd be a ton of fuuun. :D And I want cereal now? Whatever. I don't need cereal.

Well, today was the last day of school, and my friends and I are officially on break. :D Today was kinda awesome...There wasn't really that much to do and classes were short and there was chalk to draw on the ground with. And some girl took a picture of what I drew and put it as her phone background and it made me like, crazyhappy. :D

Let's see. I need to establish tasks for myself so I don't waste this break. I need to:

1.) Work on my English Poetry Evaluation...Thing.
2.) Finish Painting Ainslee's Shoes.
3.) Finish my Paper Mache hand.
4.) Finish up all the Driver's Ed crap I never did.
5.) Fix the PS2/Gamecube/Game Cabinet.
6.) Read at least three books.
7.) Work on developing a language and begin recording words on paper.
8.) SLEEP.

Let's see. Funny things that happened worth mentioning.

1.) Chaplain walking in on my friends and I during the library while one of my friends was like, toppled on the floor.
2.) My French teacher sitting by himself in the hallway eating his lunch off his lap.
3.) My English teacher conspiring against me because she was a member of the opposite school team.

What else...Alright. Things that made me happy.

1.) I got a 96 on my timed writing for English and it raised my average a tiny bit.
2.) I got a 93 on my math test and it raised me five points to an 80.
3.) I got a 100 on a notebook check for history.
4.) I was finally able to play a certain part of a certain song in band.
5.) I got to draw with CHALK!
6.) I did a nice job on my hair in art. I drew the hair nicely, I mean. :D
7.) Classes were shortened.
8.) We watched a movie in French.
9.) We got to eat boxed lunches on the ground. And while the lunches sucked, it's still an awful lot of fun eating food from out of a box while sitting and laughing with friends in pleasant weather.
10.) Despite getting merely three hours of sleep, I wasn't tired. :D
11.) I got to begin La Misanthrope.
12.) I got to sit with friends in the library, which was actually QUIET for once because everyone was outside competing for team points.

Today was really just sorta good. :D A--OHCRAP. I need to scan something and send it to my english teacher for extra credit! Bye!

Happy little Birdy Birds, sitting on a wire. They were ALL eaten.

2008-03-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've REALLY been into showtunes recently. ...For some ODD reason. I'm not sure why, but it's just been like, "OMFGJAZZHANDS."

Just thought everyone, and "everyone" including solely myself and some drunken pixels, might wanna know that.

Let's see. School. It's the last week before Spring Break, so that's kinda nice...Not that I'm doing anything. I'll just stay here and learn to throw a net. And go to the #&@^%$ing beach. And a test on Wednesday, and a ton of random crap for history, and that monkey of a bug on my back for not having a coiten grade in that coiten history class, and that coiten being a result of my need to use a Joisey accent on some words. I REALLY should work on something. But I'm blogging! WOOOOOOOOOper. Is a pokemon. A really stoned looking one. And it only gets higher as it evolves. ...Porkley. :) Back to school. Um...It's okay, my art grade probably went down...Which sucks 'cause it was my highest one. : And I'm just procrastinating because I don't wanna do homework. :)

It's been RAINING. And it's been LOVELY, thank you very much. As miserable as I may be the rain will make smile.

Anyone else ever get the urge to cut off huge chunks of hair off their heads? Because I've been wanting to do that for a LONG while. And I'm warm. And it's because of this jacket I'm wearing made for like, subzero temperatures. But I love it because of its pockets. GRAMMA', FOO'!

...DANIMALS, MUTHAFISHPASTE!

Hello, Kitten, I'll Mail You to Japan!

2008-03-07T23:39:00.000-08:00

Hello, pixels. I'm starting a blog and maybe I'll be able to keep it going. Who knows? I might actually commit to something. Let's see. It's 1:40 on a Friday night. Ainsi. I suppose I have no life. :)

School's been a bortch. It's just kinda sucky at this moment...English, French, Band, and Art are alright, I suppose, but Math, Chemistry, and History range from "Ugh" to "Hello, and Welcome to Hell. :)" I love how I only care about four subjects and two of them aren't even important academically. It'd be nice to be smart. Or to be committed to things I even dislike. It'd also be nice to have some sort of maturity attached to my childish character. I mean, I'm in my sophomore year of high school. I've never felt more like an infant. It's horrifying to think about leaving home in two years. Almost for good. Like, I couldn't await anything else with more anticipation. But it's really one of those things like...liiiiike...Um...It's like a child's first roller coaster ride. You're scared as hell but you really wanna go on.

Dear GOD, I'm SO sleepy. Why am I still awake...?

Whatever.

I suppose this is sort of amusing. ...In an odd vain way. Because it's pretty much just me talking to myself.

Okay, thank you very much, Blogspot, but I think it's rather obvious now that you'll save all my drafts automatically. You don't need to have that litt--I'd claim to digress, but I wasn't really on a definite subject, so I'll just stop talking. :)

'Night, blog! Keep warm!